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Every parent experiences angst at some time or other over how to instill, not just the virtues of compassion and consideration in their children, but genuine kindness.
Perhaps this is a quality that only comes with time, and a lot of living. Perhaps only after we have walked the miles in a lot of different shoes can we appreciate how much a gentle word, a compassionate hug or a gracious action during a difficult moment can mean. And yet, how many of us, as adults, can honestly say we are kind to one another very often?
Maybe it’s the other way around. Maybe kindness and graciousness are born in us and it’s with time that we forget to be like children, who are so generous with their hugs and so quick to offer forgiveness. Maybe we don’t have to teach our children anything. Maybe we should just let them be.
Our adult excuse is life’s hectic pace. We have our work and our appointments and our children’s schedules to keep, plus all the mundane details of living. To stop and take a moment to consider another’s needs – be they human or animal, family or stranger – sometimes seems more than we can manage in the face of our own needs. And yet perhaps this is not just ‘the way it is.’ Perhaps we have been taught to be too busy to always care.
Since the 1983 publication of A Nation at Risk by President Reagan’s National Commission on Excellence in Education, the importance of pounding the “facts” into our children at all costs has dominated public education. As holistic educator and author Ron Miller, Ph.D. points out, “Because federal and state governments and corporate interests have deliberately used educational institutions to promote a modernist discourse concerned with economic growth, global competition, and individual material success … education lags far behind [in] many of the transformative values of the 1960s, from gender and race relations to environmental consciousness to a heightened interest in spirituality…”
Baby Einstein products crowd our children’s rooms. Parents anxiously calibrate their sons’ and daughters’ developmental progress, concerned if Derek isn’t walking “on time,” or that Luna seems disinterested in talking. Will they qualify for pre-school?
On the flip side, many parents are concerned with the apparent lack of spiritual content in children’s books, videos and games. And yet pinpointing exactly what “spiritual” content even is, remains difficult. “I do see many children’s books with what could be called a spiritual aspect, such as stories that foster respect for the natural world,” says children’s author and publisher Harold Underdown. “And folktales, which are common in children’s books, may have a lurking spiritual message. But these books do not exist in a genre of their own.”
In the end, common sense and a healthy balance between educational books and toys and deliberately chosen entertainment, plus a respect for a child’s own innate wisdom seems to be the best way to assist children in developing the qualities we value so highly. “There’s a fairly good understanding on the part of many (not all!) parents that children grow and learn best when their learning is self-directed and open-ended, not rote,” agrees Underdown. “And every editor I know is concerned with publishing books that speak TO children, not down to them.”
Being treated graciously and appreciated for who they naturally are, perhaps our children will be gracious in return – all the way through adulthood.
Cate Montana (www.globalintelligencer.com) contributed to this article.
Posted in October, 2007
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